I have started, slowly but surely, to come out of hiding. Coming out of hiding is what my dear friend Cathy J. calls it. There are many reasons why I've been in hiding. Healing hurts, going to the dr. 2-3 times a week is exhausting, and lets face it I have a family. Two boys that do not understand that Momma
is was sick. ~Thank you Lord for being able to use the past tense verb.~ A 2nd grader that still has to look presentable at school, has to have his homework completed, has soccer 3 times a week, etc and another one that is a walking, getting into EVERYTHING, wants to eat all the time machine. Then I've been dealing will all the hormonal changes that the "trauma" of the surgery has caused my body. See, this is one of the reasons why I wrote that this post was rated M. ***Note to all the men: I do indeed hear all the "ughs and "ews" that you are now grumbling associated with the reading of the word "hormonal". Just think, at least you are reading it and not living it like poor Andy and the rest of my house! My body responds to changes/trauma, just like yours does, in many different ways. I've experienced horrible blisters all over the top of my lips. It had gotten to the point that I don't know what was worse, the pain from my chest or the pain from my lip. I did find one thing humorous about the blisters though....When I walked in to the plastic surgeon's office it just looked as if I had a lip procedure done. My top lip was so swollen. So I just decided I'm not hiding from embarrassment, I walked in standing tall because I fit in! All of us swollen lipped women sitting around reading a magazine waiting for our name to be called in the "waiting lounge." I was so hoping, just once, somebody would ask me who "did" my lips;)
Seeing that I've come back to civilization, I know everybody looks at me or sees pictures of me on Facebook and wonders the answer to the
big question. The UNSPOKEN question, but
most all of you have thought about me....WHY IS AMY'S CHEST NOT FLAT? I THOUGHT SHE HAD THOSE THINGS CUT OFF? (You know you have thought those questions. Don't try to deny it. I'm sure you Googled the questions, and know more about my response than I do;) Well here is the answer....
Yes, I had all the breast tissue, fat, and other parts removed leaving only the muscle and skin. For me, this was the safest and suggested procedure so my cancer would NOT come back. ~that was the utmost important thing to me...not what I looked like, not what I felt like. All pride aside, this procedure was about saving my life and being on this Earth as long as possible to raise my babies.~ Also, seeing that I wanted to go bigger than I previously was (Stop judging me...something good has to come from this, right?) and that there is no tissue or fat left after a mastectomy and implants have to placed behind the muscle. Tissue expanders had to be used. ~sigh~ During the double mastectomy, my surgical oncologist removed all the tissue and fat.Then my plastic surgeon took over and used cadaver skin to create a pocket/sling for the implants. Andy and I like to joke about the cadaver skin. Seriously, somebody's skin helped make my foobs! I'm grateful but you have to admit, that it is just plain weird. Therefore, I'm not quite ready to meet the donor family anytime soon;) So back to the tissue expander ordeal...When the PS (plastic surgeon) put in my tissue expanders he filled them ~slightly~ with a little saline. This way I wouldn't be flat as a pancake and it kept me from having an emotional breakdown when I woke up from surgery. ~sorta~ Let's just say, for about 2 weeks I looked like a 12yr old girl that needed a training bra.
Each week, for well over a month, I returned to the plastic surgeon to get a "fill." During the fill, the PS would fill each side with 90 cc of saline. (Using a needle with a very large syringe)
Lucky me, right???? Not only was I told I had cancer, got to go through all the horrific scans, didn't know if I was going to live or die, deciding to go through with the double mastectomy, recovering from the double...You think that's enough, but then I had to deal with tissue expanders and fills. Well, the fills were not painful at all. It was the aftermath, that was very uncomfortable. The last several fills created muscle spasms that were very uncomfortable, however after a few days I was a lot better. Once I got to the size I wanted, I stop having fills. Then there was a 6 week waiting period (to make sure the skin and muscle was completely stretched out) before I get the tissue expanders out and the implants in!
So that should answer the unspoken question of why my chest is not flat. At this point, you would never know I had a double mastectomy, unless you hugged me. Tissue expanders are extremely hard. (like a filled water balloon) So needless to say, I'm excited about getting the tissue expanders out and the implants in. Modern day medicine and plastic surgery is amazing! Plastic surgery has given me the option of normalcy...Who am I kiddin???? I'm going to be BETTER than normal! Well at least we know I won't be getting a boob job during my midlife crisis....Ha! DONE! I guess I will just buy me that little red corvette;)
Hugs to all,
Amy
