Pink Is Not The New Orange...Or Is it?

October should be filled with  pumpkins, scarecrows, black cats, harvest moons, hay rides, orange and black...but it's not completely.  Pink ribbons are taking over.  I'm confused by this.  It's a seasonal decorator's paradise. Pink ribbons do NOT match the fall wreath, scarecrows, and the hay outside on my porch, nor does it match my pumpkin décor on my fireplace. (I'm thinking April would have been a great month for BA.  Pink ribbons would go so nicely with spring colors.)

 

Look at those pics!  They DON'T go together!   I was sent in a decorating frenzy.  People would expect me to acknowledge "the" ribbon, but I just really want to put all my fall décor out and not really think about the color pink. Why??? Because the color pink, that pink ribbon, those Susan G. Komen commercials, the pink yogurt tops, high school pink out shirts, the NFL pink shoes, darn near send me to my knees each time I see them.  I was looking at a can of pink ribbon'd biscuits at Walmart on Sunday and started crying.  I LIVE the color pink! It is my life day in and day out, not just in October!

I'm frustrated that pink has invaded my fun filled, football, harvest smelling candle burning, and trick or treatin' October.   ~Or maybe I will "go all counselor on ya" and boldly admit that maybe I'm just frustrated that pink has invaded my life....  

This doesn't mean that I don't love or appreciate all the pink in this month.  It doesn't mean that I'm not grateful for all the $$$ that is donated to breast cancer research.  Doesn't mean that I won't enjoy or I don't look forward to all the survivor luncheons I get to attend. Doesn't mean that I don't love talking about breast cancer to my friends.  Sure doesn't mean I'm going to stop telling my story!

I'm thankful that the rest of the non breast cancer people, in the US, get a glimpse of how serious this disease is and how early detection can save lives. However, for me at this very weak moment, I just want to enjoy pumpkins, scarecrows, hay rides, black cats, costumes, and fall festivals again...


Hugs, (and many scarecrows wearing pink ribbons;)
Amy

Don't Waste Your Story

My story is of Godly provision...How He knew my future, prepared me for my future, and how I was tested because of my future. My story is that of sadness, brokenness, and complete devastation. My story is also that of love, faith, hope, God's truth and promises. My story will not be wasted!!! I learned through my story that He will never leave me or forsake me and will hold true to His promises.

Through out this cancer experience God spoke to me through:
* Al (my angel)
*The healing message on the radio (I can't wait to tell you about that!)
*Hearing God actually speak in the depths of my soul (This experience is saved for another post and oh will it bring you to your knees!)
* The financial provision of unexpected insurance policies that covered every penny of every cost.
*The Holy Spirit whispering/singing ever so gently 2 hymns, in my mind, over and over that it resonated in my soul....1) Bless the Lord, oh my soul   ~Psalm 103:1  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, WHO HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy. 2) On Christ  solid the rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.
*Jesus Calling

Jesus Calling
Dec. 17th 1st mammo:  Como to me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in me you are complete, depend on me with childlike trust, I am He from whom all blessings flow!
Dec. 19th 2nd mammo:  Seek my face continually through out this day.
Dec. 28th Biopsy:  I am your refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore, you don't need to be afraid of ANYTHING.!
Jan. 2nd Cancer diagnosis:  Relax in my healing presence.  Thus I equip you to face whatever the day brings.
Jan. 6th the day sadness set in:  I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.
Jan/ 9th telling the dr. that a double mastectomy is my decision:  I am with you and for you.  When you decide on a course of action that is in line with my will nothing in heaven or Earth can stop you.
Jan. 11th begging God for containment/no chemo/complete healing:  Let go and recognize that I'm God.

We all have a story. Mine is just about breast cancer.

Don't waste your story. Use it as a witness to bring others to Christ.  Don't let Satan spin your story into fear and/or desperation.  Satan is here all around you to destroy and conquer you, your children, your marriage, your finances, and your health.  He uses things such as fear, lies, manipulation, confusion, hate, and even cancer.  I REFUSE to allow Satan to use my cancer for his evil plan.

In my human twisted way of thinking, I feel as if Satan went to God and said "Let me have her. Let me try.  I can show you that she will crumble and those around her will crumble too." God laughed, " She's mine, back off. However, you go ahead and try.  You will see, that she's MINE!"
You're right Savior.  I'm yours!  I'm yours!

This is my story.  I'm a sinful person by nature.  I'm a mess.  A HOT mess!!  I had cancer.  I've never questioned it.  I've never gotten mad about it.  (Which is totally not my personality!)  Yes, I cried.  Yes, I was hurt, but this was meant to be my story.  My story to use for God's good.  My story to use to motivate women to take care of themselves because Satan is out to destroy them!  My story to proclaim that God is still in the miracle working business!  My story to shout from the rooftops that God's promises are true!  My story to comfort those that are suffering.  My story to share with my kids that our Savior spared their mother from death.  My story to reflect back over when fear or worry invades in my family's heart.  My story to help harvest souls in these end times!

I encourage you to examine your life and find out what your story is....because we all have a story!

Hugs,
Amy

This Post is Rated M: For Mature Audiences Only

I have started, slowly but surely, to come out of hiding.  Coming out of hiding is what my dear friend Cathy J.  calls it.  There are many reasons why I've been in hiding. Healing hurts, going to the dr. 2-3 times a week is exhausting, and lets face it I have a family.  Two boys that do not understand that Momma is was sick. ~Thank you Lord for being able to use the past tense verb.~ A 2nd grader that still has to look presentable at school, has to have his homework completed, has soccer 3 times a week, etc  and another one that is a walking, getting into EVERYTHING, wants to eat all the time machine. Then I've been dealing will all the hormonal changes that the "trauma" of the surgery has caused my body.   See, this is one of the reasons why I wrote that this post was rated M. ***Note to all the men:  I do indeed hear all the "ughs and "ews" that you are now grumbling associated with the reading of the word "hormonal".  Just think, at least you are reading it and not living it like poor Andy and the rest of my house!  My body responds to changes/trauma, just like yours does, in many different ways. I've experienced horrible blisters all over the top of my lips. It had gotten to the point that I don't know what was worse, the pain from my chest or the pain from my lip.  I did find one thing humorous about the blisters though....When I walked in to the plastic surgeon's office it just looked as if I had a lip procedure done. My top lip was so swollen. So I just decided  I'm not hiding from embarrassment, I walked in standing tall because I fit in! All of us swollen lipped women sitting around reading a magazine waiting for our name to be called in the "waiting lounge." I was so hoping, just once, somebody would ask me who "did" my lips;)


Seeing that I've come back to civilization, I know everybody looks at me or sees pictures of me on Facebook and wonders the answer to the big  question. The UNSPOKEN question, but most  all of you have thought  about me....WHY IS AMY'S CHEST NOT FLAT?  I THOUGHT SHE HAD THOSE THINGS CUT OFF?  (You know you have thought those questions. Don't try to deny it.  I'm sure you Googled the questions, and know more about my response than I do;)  Well here is the answer....

Yes, I had all the breast tissue, fat, and other parts removed leaving only the muscle and skin. For me, this was the safest and suggested procedure so my cancer would NOT come back. ~that was the utmost important thing to me...not what I looked like, not what I felt like.  All pride aside, this procedure was about saving my life and being on this Earth as long as possible to raise my babies.~ Also, seeing that I wanted to go bigger than I previously was (Stop judging me...something good has to come from this, right?) and that there is no tissue or fat left after a mastectomy and  implants have to placed behind the muscle. Tissue expanders had to be used. ~sigh~  During the double mastectomy, my surgical oncologist removed all the tissue and fat.Then my plastic surgeon took over and used cadaver skin to create a pocket/sling for the implants. Andy and I like to joke about the cadaver skin.  Seriously, somebody's skin helped make my foobs! I'm grateful but you have to admit, that it is just plain weird. Therefore, I'm not quite ready to meet the donor family anytime soon;)  So back to the tissue expander ordeal...When the PS (plastic surgeon) put in my tissue expanders he filled them ~slightly~ with a little saline. This way I wouldn't be flat as a pancake and it kept me from having an emotional breakdown when I woke up from surgery. ~sorta~  Let's just say, for about 2 weeks I looked like a 12yr old girl that needed a training bra.

Each week, for well over a month,  I returned to the plastic surgeon to get a "fill."  During the fill, the PS would fill each side with 90 cc of saline. (Using a needle with a very large syringe)

Lucky me, right????  Not only was I told I had cancer, got to go through all the horrific scans, didn't know if I was going to live or die, deciding to go through with the double mastectomy, recovering from the double...You think that's enough, but then I had to deal with tissue expanders and fills. Well, the fills were not painful at all. It was the aftermath, that was very uncomfortable.  The last several fills created muscle spasms that were very uncomfortable, however after a few days I was a lot better.  Once I got to the size I wanted, I stop having fills.  Then there was a 6 week waiting period (to make sure the skin and muscle was completely stretched out) before I get the tissue expanders out and the implants in!

So that should answer the unspoken question of why my chest is not flat. At this point, you would never know I had a double mastectomy, unless you hugged me.  Tissue expanders are extremely hard.  (like a filled water balloon) So needless to say, I'm excited about getting the tissue expanders out and the implants in.  Modern day medicine and plastic surgery is amazing!  Plastic surgery has given me the option of normalcy...Who am I kiddin????  I'm going to be BETTER than normal! Well at least we know I won't be getting a boob job during my midlife crisis....Ha!   DONE!   I guess I will just buy me that little red corvette;)

Hugs to all,
Amy  

It's True What People Say...You Can Never Have Enough Insurance!

Just another reason why and how I know God had his provision in my cancer. This is the beginning of many posts that will start with that same 1st sentence. There are many "things" that happened before, during, and after the cancer diagnosis that were just God's "doin".

For the first time in 15yrs of teaching, I signed up for the critical care insurance policy. (which covers cancer)  Now you might be thinking that is not a big deal, and those that have never heard the words, "The pathology reports are back and it is cancer.",  it is not a big deal.  However, I have heard those dreaded words so this was HUGE for us.   I will continue to explain, but I need to give you a little background....

Why in the world would I sign up for this so called "cancer" policy????  I haven't ever signed up for the cancer policy, why start now?  I'm young. I'm healthy.  I don't have a history of cancer in my family.  AND I sure don't plan on getting cancer anytime soon because cancer is for others, not for me!  Plus, I DON'T EVEN TAKE THE SCHOOL'S INSURANCE PLAN...I'm completely covered under Andy's insurance.  These were just some of the questions that were going through my mind. The big issue was that I was going to have to drive to Mansfield, on my day off, to another school (I had missed the sign up day at my school)  and sit and listen to an insurance agent give me the spill on different types of insurance plans while toting along my 5 month old. No thank you...that is too much of a hassle.   I was completely covered under Andy's insurance plan at his work, no need to pay extra for plans that are not needed.     So after days of this not settling well with me (thank you Holy Spirit), I got in my car, drove to Mansfield, walked into a different school's library to sit and wait on an available insurance representative.  To my disbelief, I walked out of the library that day with a critical care insurance policy (that covers cancer) and signed off to keep my disability insurance. (Which I totally walked in there with the intentions of dropping my disability, because my thought was "Why do I need disability?" Andy is the "bread winner" of the family.  I don't plan on getting hurt or having ANY more babies!)  During the 30min. drive home, I couldn't help but to think what had I just done. That insurance rep was awesome. He hook lined and sinkered me right into policies I thought I really didn't need. I was so upset over this I called my sister and asked all my friends if they signed up for the critical care policy.  Most answered, no.   So my full intention was to call the very next day and get those policies dropped.  Between my cancer policy and disability that would be a whole $40 back a month on my paycheck...That's a pedicure, folks!  (Important things right) Anyways, to make a long story short I got busy with the baby, work, soccer practice, etc and totally forgot to cancel the policies that I had planned to cancel just days before.

Life got busy, as always, and months past. Anniversary, soccer games, state fair, deerlease, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then cancer!  After receiving the diagnosis, you panic not only for your health but for your finances. (Cancer is expensive!) Is this going to drain every last penny we have?   Are we going to lose our new home that was just built because I can't work and help pay the new mortgage? Unfortunately, these are questions that one ponders when you are married with children and have a mortgage payment.  Then it hit me at 3am in the morning...I took out at a critical care policy in Aug. WAY before my cancer diagnosis.  I ran upstairs looking for the insurance file. (Which by the way was organized so neatly...smile.  Those that know me are shaking their heads. lol) I started reading through it like crazy and found that cancer was covered! CANCER WAS COVERED!  I cried and cried. Thank you Jesus!

If you are still not convinced that this was God's provision and maybe just luck.  Let me tell you,  "luck, science, and odds" do not care about me, my husband, and my children's financial well being.  Luck does not care about whether are not we can keep our home, put food on the table, or drain every last penny in our savings account.  However, my God cares about my family and our needs.  Even though I understand that living in a "certain" house in a "certain" neighborhood, driving a new car, taking vacations, and my children wearing brand named clothing is all of this Earth. Trust me those things are not on my extended list of prayer concerns. However, I do know that having a home, being able to eat, getting to and from work, being able to pay for childcare while working and paying for my health costs are needs and HE took care of all of them!  For example:  My cancer policy covers, to the penny I might add,  what we will be out from our deductible and out of pocket expenses regarding my medical insurance.  So, I'm thankful to add that my little $100k, thus far, medical procedure(s) hasn't cost us a small fortune.  Disability will be replacing "most" of my paycheck in the coming months when I won't be paid because I've used all of my accumulated days off. Tshirt sells (Fighting for Amy shirts that my friend Heather Reed started (Thank you sweet friend:) have paid for some of the babysitting costs for Gage. (I have had to have a full time paid babysitter for Gage since Jan 28th.) So the only really big expense we have had is the elected genetic testing that insurance, partially, did not cover.  However, that was well worth it!

I know finances are an extremely private topic, but I wanted to share with everybody how God's provision (even in the financial department) was set up months before the big C was even a concern.

God did not strike me down with disease (as some might think...smh). He knew this was my future and this cancer was going to be used for His glory, therefore he took care of all the little things HE knew that we didn't have time to focus on.


Hugs to all,
Amy

By HIS Stripes...

I AM HEALED!  Stage 0, 0/2 lymph nodes (cancer not found in lymph nodes), both "girls" gone (the new ones are looking better than the old ones. Woot! Woot!) , final pathology report was great, which means...Cancer is G.O.N.E!  No chemo, no radiation, no hormone therapy required.  Cancer was completely contained!  When the surgical oncologist told us both Andy and I cried.  Honestly, I wept and wept and wept while saying "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus! THANK YOU JESUS!. Unstoppable tears of JOY came from my tired eyes and rolled down my cheeks...finally. Finally, tears of happiness! 

This is the miracle we have all prayed for. Another great example of God's promises being true.  I've told my family and friends. I've told Facebook.  I've told complete strangers at Walmart while waiting to be checked out.  I've told it to anybody that would listen!  My God answered OUR prayers. He showed great mercy upon me and delivered me from cancer.  He is true to His word and I will forever thank and praise him! So why haven't I shouted this great news to the Blogger world????  For days I've wondered the same thing. 
Many friends and family have asked me over and over why I haven't written a post lately. My responses to all the questions of why I haven't have been all over the place.  I'm still on medication.  I'm just too tired.  I'm enjoying my mom being here for 2 weeks.  I'll write when I am moved to write. These are all true excuses. Notice that I used the words "true excuses."

However, the main reason is because it's just too mentally painful. Just logging on this blog and seeing the posts and the pink background takes me back to the "dark time."  This blog was set up to be my therapy and to help other women that were in my position. Even though I had a good attitude during the time I had cancer, didn't mean that I wasn't sad or that I didn't cry.  I cried A LOT.  Some days my only goal was to get through the day without crying.  In addition to mental pain, the blog takes me back to a month of my life that I've subconsciously tried to block out. The month of January was so hard and tiring that it seems like a lifetime ago.  My memory is fading very quickly about January (that or I'm shutting it out on purpose...)

So now you know and hopefully understand the reason why I needed a blogging break. Maybe after this post it will get easier to log on.  I have SO much to share, I just need the strength to log on and type.

Praise Report:

*Cancer was contained...no treatment necessary   Glory to God in the Highest!

Prayer Requests

*Strength to share my testimony. It's so hard to go back to January, the month that I've mentally blocked out.  I don't want to block this month out of my memory.  I want the pain, the hurt, and the tears to be used for His glory and good.

You have answered my prayers. You have healed me of cancer.  You never left me or forsaken me. You are true to your promise. Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!  However, I'm selfish and I don't even want to think about that dark time.Forgive me sweet Savior.  It is that time that I heard you, felt you, and saw you more than ever in my life.  Please bring forth each and every memory...good, bad, and ugly.  May I never forget how you comforted me when I had cried out to you or how your spirit softly whispered verses and hymns in my mind when I was scared.  Allow me to let go of the hurt that cancer brought to me.  Allow me to look at the positive each day and not fall into the self pity trap when I am mentally down.  There are so many great things that have come of this awful cancer...Use me to be the vessel to show others of your  Word, Promises, and Light. 

Hugs to all,

Amy

D Day

Double Mastectomy Day (January 28th)....That's the name of the new Marcontell recognized holiday in our household!  It's the day that I became cancer free! It's the day that life changed....

That morning was actually a very easy morning. I had complete peace.  The day started off with the car ride to Baylor with my sister and hubs.  Let me tell you something about Liz and Andy....together they are a complete mess!  So the entire way, I got to listen to both of them try to crack the "breast" I mean best breast jokes  (see how you can easily slip that in there....ha!) So we did a lot of laughing.   I checked into radiology to get my sentinel node shot. Passing out the cookies to the women that worked the front desk was an absolute a joy.  I told them today was the day I become cancer free.  You know what they did???  They started dancing and shouting, "Woot! Woot! Cancer Free!"  So what did I do, I joined them.  2 hrs before I lose my breasts and I'm singing and dancing....I would have it no other way!!! So, I had read where women have compared the pain of this shot to childbirth because of where it has to given and the burning sensation of the actual injection.  Well, apparently they had not given birth to Grayson Marcontell.  The shot wasn't "fun", but compared to childbirth, please....

Then we were off to plastics to get "marked."  As soon as I was marked, we went straight to Baylor Uptown.  I'll refrain from the details of the panic driving that my husband was doing because of rush hour traffic. Got checked in, changed, and started passing out the cookies.  Looking back on that morning, there are several things that I learned. So here they are...David Letterman Top Ten Style.

Top 10 Things Learned From D-Day 

. 

10) There went the $50 pedicure I got before surgery.





9) Nurses are like teachers. Word spreads fast when there are yummy cookies to be eaten. I loved the random nurses just popping in and saying, "I heard you have cookies."  That alone made me happy! Plus, the nurses were so nice, caring, gentle, and loving.  They are overworked and underpaid.

8) The Dedman College framed picture I got to stare at while waiting to go back to surgery was not comforting at all.

7) Shear panic set in when I was cleaning my chest with the special before surgery cleaning cloth and all the blue ink was on the cloth instead of my body. (Remember, the plastic surgeon had to "mark" me before surgery.)  I thought to myself...Well, if I wind up lopsided we will know why.

6) Having great doctors (Dr. Sally Knox and Dr. Richard Ha) make you feel at ease in this tough, tough situation. I'm indebted to them for taking such great care of me!

5) The pain of a double mastectomy is excruciating. I couldn't even turn my head or breathe w/o being in pain.

4) Being sick several hours after a double mastectomy causes even more excruciating pain.

3) Drain tubes are the most uncomfortable things E.V.E.R. ~counting the days down I can get these evil doers out of me!

2) Before wheeling me back, I looked at Andy with tears in my eyes and told him, "I love you so much.  If anything happens to me please take care of my boys."  Yes, very dramatic I know.  This could have been a scene straight out of a movie.

1) I love what Dr. Knox's nurse said as she walked out of the room, "Cancer Free" "Praise the Lord!"

Praise Reports:

*I'm healing so fast.  Each day is getting better and better.
*The boys are adjusting better than what I thought.
*At least 3 more friends have gotten their mammograms.
*Call backs and a biopsy have come back "all clear" on several friend's mammograms!

Prayer Requests:

*I continue to heal.

*Cancer was completely contained in the duct. (I'm suppose to find out Tuesday.)

*I cry each and every time Andy changes my bandages.  Please pray that I can let go of this sadness I feel when I see myself.



Thank you to all that have supported me through D-Day. I honestly felt and still feel that I'm not alone in this.  To my sweet husband....How did I get so lucky?  We never thought that the vow "in sickness and in health" would really apply to us did we?  Boy, were we wrong.  I pray abundant blessings over you each and every day.  You are the hands and feet of Jesus. 

Hugs to all,

Amy

Saying Goodbye Is Just Plain Weird

Saying goodbye to something you will never see again is completely normal, unless it is your "chest" and then that's just plain weird.  There will be no long drawn out goodbyes....No waving.... No final words.  I've mourned the "loss"  and I'm done with it!  Time to stop thinking of what to mourn and start praising and rejoicing for what I'm gaining.  What am I gaining????  I'm gaining my body back!  My cancer free (Claiming in the name of Jesus) body! Time to start the process of getting this behind me and moving forward!  Time to add this to my testimony....my testimony that I will tell to lead others to Christ and to promote early detection of breast cancer! 

So I'm choosing Christ (faith) over Satan (fear)!  

Trusting in my Ultimate Healer (healer of all of me physical, emotional, and spiritual)


So ADIOS cancer!  You are not welcome here!

~Updates regarding my surgery will come from my family until I can move my fingers enough to type.  I'm also refraining from the computer until all drugs are out of my system.  Who knows what I would write while still being medicated!  ha


Btw, look what the hospital and radiology staff is going to get from me tomorrow morning!  Aren't those the cutest bikini top and breast cancer ribbon cookies E.V.E.R.   Classic Goodness Bakery is unbelievable!  Thank you Stacy!!!!   www.classicgoodnessbakery.com

Hugs to all,
Amy