Saying Goodbye Is Just Plain Weird

Saying goodbye to something you will never see again is completely normal, unless it is your "chest" and then that's just plain weird.  There will be no long drawn out goodbyes....No waving.... No final words.  I've mourned the "loss"  and I'm done with it!  Time to stop thinking of what to mourn and start praising and rejoicing for what I'm gaining.  What am I gaining????  I'm gaining my body back!  My cancer free (Claiming in the name of Jesus) body! Time to start the process of getting this behind me and moving forward!  Time to add this to my testimony....my testimony that I will tell to lead others to Christ and to promote early detection of breast cancer! 

So I'm choosing Christ (faith) over Satan (fear)!  

Trusting in my Ultimate Healer (healer of all of me physical, emotional, and spiritual)


So ADIOS cancer!  You are not welcome here!

~Updates regarding my surgery will come from my family until I can move my fingers enough to type.  I'm also refraining from the computer until all drugs are out of my system.  Who knows what I would write while still being medicated!  ha


Btw, look what the hospital and radiology staff is going to get from me tomorrow morning!  Aren't those the cutest bikini top and breast cancer ribbon cookies E.V.E.R.   Classic Goodness Bakery is unbelievable!  Thank you Stacy!!!!   www.classicgoodnessbakery.com

Hugs to all,
Amy

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

Who knows if I will even need the mirror to be blocked from my eyes???  However, presently in this weak moment, I choose to protect my eyes/heart from shock and sadness.  Hopefully, strength and peace will replace the shock and sadness.....quickly.   I pray that I will be able to look at myself, with joy,  and see the battle wounds where Jesus fought and overcame.

Unexpected Blessings

Oh my stars!!!!  Our internet was "out" for nearly 4 days.  As my sister said, "I bet you were getting the shakes."...."Yes Liz, I was starting to go into technology withdrawal."  However, it was nice to put the computer down and just spend time with my boys. Quality time is what I needed with my family.  Isn't it funny how God knows exactly what you need and also knows how to make sure that it happens. Love it! Unexpected blessing!

Within the past week I've been prayed for, prayed over, and prayed about!  My school and the ESL department have prayed for me.  All this prayer in a place where prayer is discouraged and  "not allowed."  Well I beg to differ..I saw/heard adults crying out to our Savior. I saw adults holding hands and holding each other up.  I saw/heard believers and nonbelievers talking to our Savior (out loud in front of everybody...which is hard to do) thanking our Savior, placing hope/faith in our Savior, and just telling our Savior he is loved.  I felt the Lord and Holy Spirit during that prayer. For this alone, my cancer is worth it!  Thank you sweet Savior, thank you!  Unexpected Blessing! 

I went to my sister in law's homegroup and they too prayed over me.  Again, I felt the power of the Almighty.  The prayer at that meeting was so powerful that I can't even type about it without crying. (Thank you Pam. I pray I have that gift someday!)  Immediately following, Andy and I met with our awesome elders of the church and they prayed over us. (and again I felt my Savior there with me) I finally got to use my joke that I had been saving for the most awkward yet most appropriate time,  "Okay, if any of you (all men in the room) lay hands on my cancer, you going to get hit!"  Bahahahaha   Let's face it....talking so much about "the girls" is just plain awkward/weird.  I have found even though breast cancer is not funny, it's okay to have a little fun with it.    Unexpected Blessing!  

This week has been filled with many unexpected blessings. I'm thinking in my life, day after day, there have been many unexpected blessings that have gone unnoticed.  Cancer makes me see life differently. I pray I ALWAYS see life differently.  I pray I will ALWAYS notice the unexpected blessings in my life.  Plus,  I pray that you take notice of yours.  For that alone, this journey is worth it!

Praise Report: 
*Coworker found out her cancer is contained! Did you hear that?..... CONTAINED  holla!
*Coworker found out her mammogram was all good! (after a little scare)  Woot! Woot!

Prayer Requests:
 *My sweet brave friends who have scheduled their mammograms (You all are so brave and I'm so proud of you!).  Pray that they get the  "all clear" phone call. 
*My cancer is contained.  ~meaning in the duct only, hasn't spread to healthy tissue outside the duct or any lymph node(s)
*Complete healing F.O.R.E.V.E.R
*Please pray that I don't "waste" this cancer.  That God uses me and this situation to bring others to Him.

Hugs to all,
Amy

Angels, Fit Throwing, and Fit Throwing Angels

Angels and fit throwing....then add a fit throwing angel in that mix and I've probably already lost or confused many of you. (I understand....I stay confused!)   When it comes to angels, I'm no expert.  I've listened to sermons regarding angels and read scripture regarding angels but my knowledge base on angels is pretty novice.  However, you want to talk fit throwing...I'm your woman!   Many years of teaching primary grades and having my own little fit thrower launches me right up to expert status.   Now, toss in a fit throwing angel.....well, you see later what I'm talking about later.

All of us loosely throw around the word angel.  "God's angels are all around us."  "She sings like an angel."  "I pray I have nothing but little angels in my class this year." (I threw that in for all my teacher friends.  Yes, teachers not only pray for angels but BEG the good Lord above for those angels to show up on their class list;) With regards to the heavenly angels, I've heard many ask this question: Can angels take on a human like form to complete a task or send a message????  This one sentence is not intended to start a theological war nor is it for you to literally answer the question under my comment section.  (Do you like how I kindly slipped that in there?  lol)  That sentence is just to get you thinking and be a little open minded when you continue reading the rest of this paragraph. (Or maybe I added that last sentence to make you feel SUPER guilty for any thoughts going through your head right now that I've fallen off the deep end or that I'm a complete weirdo).  Indulge me for a minute and listen to my story about Al.   I had to get my car inspected  on Friday.  I chose to sit outside in the sunshine instead of sitting inside. I can't stand the smell of old coffee, smoldering cigs, and tires.  Thus the reason for sitting outside.  The wait was about an hour long.  My cell phone was dead, so I looked in my purse and decided to read the day's devotion of Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (Those that have Jesus Calling you need to read January 11th. Once again, I was amazed how God can speak through 2 tiny paragraphs!)  While reading, the sweetest old man wearing a USMC trucker hat sits down next to me. I continue to read.  He turns to me and says, "Little lady, you're gonna find your answers in that book you know."  I said, "Oh, this isn't the Bible."  Al smiled and said, "I know. That is Jesus Calling."  Okay, right then and there he grabbed my attention.  Most late 70yr old men, do not have the book Jesus Calling.  Al, while looking at the traffic going by, says to me, "You know my wife beat breast cancer many, many, many years before she died."  Then he patted my knee and gave me such the most peaceful comforting smile imaginable and said,  "You are young and have a long life to live." I felt the tears welling up in my eyes because how did he know my personal battles, then I told him, "I just found out I had breast cancer."  He stood up pointed at me and looked me right in the eyes and said, "Our God is still in the miracle working business."  I told him, "I honestly believe that."  Then his car was ready. He took 2-3 steps and looked backed at me. We exchanged smiles and he left.   I can't explain how sweet, kind, uplifting, peaceful, comforting, and just plain happy this 3 minute exchange of dialogue and smiles felt.  I knew Al was an angel.  Now, he might not have (and might have) been a for real heaven sent angel, but he was my angel. It was what I needed for those 3 minutes of the day and I was more than thankful for him! Amazing isn't....

Shifting gears, I have to tell you about my sweet Grayson.  Grayson loves like no other child. He warms my heart with just a hug and simple smile.  He is a "momma"s boy!"  (Yes, pray that I'm not a crazy mother in law some day.  I have the potential, as my sister says.  lol )  He is my "lover not a fighter" kid. The non aggressive boy who couldn't throw a punch if he tried.  He's the one on the soccer field that is blowing me kisses, winking at me when he runs by, and grins from ear to ear when he kicks the ball and yells, "Was that good Momma?"   Of course, I tell him yes but the crazy, yelling, sports lovin' athlete in me can't wait until he gets mad and mows somebody over on the field. Fingers crossed that it might happen some day....lol  Anyhoo, we have learned to accept this about Grayson and actually it's one of my most favorite traits about him.  However, he also has the panic, over-the-top button that was pushed quite frequently as a toddler When the button was pushed, the fit throwing would begin.  He was the biggest fit thrower E.V.E.R.  (Why do you think it took 7yrs to have another baby?)  Screaming, crying, throwing, slamming, arching his back, kicking the floor....You get the picture.  I was the only one that could calm him down. (Thank you MISD for all the training in behavior management.)  We have been breathing easy for years, due to the fact Grayson has matured and all that crazy nonsense had subsided.  Well, we can now blame stupid cancer for the billionth time for messing with my family.  Grayson is starting to show some "anger" issues. Aka throwing, crying, screaming, and talking back.  He actually threw himself on the floor, kicked, screamed, and cried because he couldn't get a piece of construction paper to stand up perfectly on an art project he was working on....sigh   I hate cancer for messing with my Grayson.....double sigh.

Then there is my Gager. (Gage Jagger...but he also responds to Gagey, Bugger, and Bugger Boo...or my little bother (instead of brother) as Grayson sometimes calls him)  You see friends, he is my "easy " baby.   Darn near perfect! You place him in a crib...he falls right to sleep (since he was born)  He hardly ever cries.  He's the baby that every babysitter and parent dreams of.  His sweetness and ability to adapt is refreshing....but cancer is turning him into my little "fit throwing angel."  Even though he doesn't understand what is going on, he knows sadness. He sees me cry and others that come over and cry.  He knows that he has been with extended family and the babysitter more than usual. He now is ducking his head and high pitch screaming/crying.  This "cute" fit throwing, is no longer "cute." He's becoming "fit throwing angel." 

Having fit throwing and a fit throwing angel is enough to make me throw a fit.  I'm the one with cancer. I deserve to throw a H.U.G.E fit!!! Now my kids are falling apart....This is what cancer does...if you allow it!  It seeps into the most precious of blessings in your life...if you allow it!  It's time to take my fit throwing angels back from the grips of this cancer.  My angel Al reminded me that our God is in the miracle business and that answers are found in Jesus.  ~and I too agree~

My Face is shining upon you (Grayson and Gage), beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. ~Jesus Calling Jan. 15th

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds (Grayson and Gage) in Jesus Christ.  Philippians 4:7

Prayer Requests:
*Peace that surpasses all understanding for my sweet boys
*Cancer is contained
*Complete healing

Praise Report:
My life, on the otherhand, will have a bit of normalcy for the next 12 days. My surgery is not until the 28th, so I will carry on as normal until then.  Who knew stress at work, laundry piled up, and a messy house could be wanted and loved so much! 
I'm holding my Gager much, much more lately.  In less than 2 weeks, I won't be able to pick him up for awhile...sigh. Even though that breaks my heart, I'm rejoicing in the next 12 days of picking him up, dancing together, changing his diaper, and holding him as much as possible.

Hugs to all,
Amy

"Honey, Here's Your Cup of Cancer"

In my attempt to get out of bed this morning and face the day, I asked Andy if he wanted me to fix a pot of coffee.  You see, we love our new  "grown up phase" of drinking coffee on cold yucky winter mornings.  My Mother in Law, Susan, got us a "grown up" coffee maker and also orders us the most yummiest coffee called "Jamaican Me Crazy." (Yes, I'm spoiled and I love it!  "To be spoiled is to be loved".....another Amy Marcontell life mantra to live by...just like the dirty bathroom mantra noted in the previous post;) Back to the coffee, I love everything about the coffee maker and the coffee.  Something about drinking the coffee out of a mug and not slurping my usual Sonic large Diet Coke out of a straw makes me feel grown up and borderline fancy. Don't get me wrong I L.O.V.E my Sonic Diet Cokes. Those trips to Sonic for a coke is just "what I do."  I can thank my mom and Frederick girls Brandi, Amy, Shannon, Brooke, Dara, and Kay for that!  Don't get me started on Frederick, I can write an entirely different blog on growing up in Frederick.  I have more Frederick stories than Rose from Golden Girls has about St. Olaf. Sorry, I digress (I think I suffer from Blog ADD)  Back to the coffee.....so I made the pot of coffee looked at Andy and said, "Honey, here's your cup of cancer!"   S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y!   Did I just offer my husband a cup of cancer?!?!?  Yep, I sure did.

This, my friends, is how cancer can not only invade you physically but also mentally.  Cancer is this disgusting raging rapidly growing filth in the body, that I on my own I can't do one darn thing about.  Left alone without healing scripture, prayer, dr's and treatment this filth will eventually take over my body and take me from this Earth. However, it is also this raging screaming negative thought(s) pattern that over and over SO wants to invade my mind.  This is how it works: Wake up, "I have cancer. I don't want to get out of bed and face the day."  Look at my kids, "Will I leave them motherless?" Being around people,"Who cares about your petty problems, I have cancer"  Working on homework, "Grayson's a smart boy. He can do it on his own. I have cancer"  Trying to plan a bday party for my son, "Just book it and pay. I'm sure I will be too sore and in pain to even enjoy it."  Thinking about cooking dinner, "Why?  I'm not hungry nor do I have the energy, because I have cancer.Then when I go to bed the endless crying begins.   Left alone without healing scripture, prayer, and treatment this filth can AND will eventually take over my mind and spiritually kill me!

To me, Satan is like a cancer.  If allowed he can spread to mind, heart, and soul.  Left untreated he takes over like cancer.   I physically may have cancer, but I also suffered  suffer from the Satan cancer and battle it each and every day!  Through this journey not only am I praying to be physically healed but spiritually healed from  ALL cancer. So you see, we (you and me) are not that different. We all have some sort of cancer...I'm just on the fast track path of finding out what mine is...

These are my inner most thoughts.  Agree or not.... This is my therapy, my journey. I'm nowhere near perfect, and sure have NOT been perfect in my life. (That is probably the most understated sentence of this entire blog!)  I am a sin battling woman of faith that refuses to allow Satan to take over like a cancer.  I have enough of that cancer crap (Yep, I just said crap. Sorry mom:) in me.

So mentally the war is on.  No more offering cups of cancer in my house, only cups of  Jamaican Me Crazy! 

~Cause in my house, crazy is a lot better than cancer!

Hugs to all,
Amy

Simma Down Now!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a ticking time bomb...meaning I've yet to just explode from all of this. Maybe I won't, but I think my fuse is lit and well on it's way. I know it's going to be some silly random unimportant thing that sends me over the edge.  However, all I can do is picture  Cheri Oteri from Saturday Night Live telling me to "Simma Down Now." Which totally cracks me up. 

How has my life changed?  Well, in terms of work it's TELPAS planning time.  Now, that would send anybody into an anxiety pill popping stessball tizzy.  The thought of cancer and being out for weeks just add to the fun.  Today I found that cancer is just a big  inconvenienced pain in the rear.  I actually like doing this part of my job, but now I have to pawn it off to somebody else (Sorry K.G) who has her own job and doesn't get paid extra to pick up my slack.....sigh   Simma Down Now!

Then in the middle of a training I get a phone call from the dr's office.  My heart skips a beat each and every time they call.  They need to reschedule my surgery for a week later.  WHAT??? Are you kidding me???? I already wrote it in my calendar...IN PEN! Big no, no in my world, but I submitted myself to a pen today. `Lesson learned` So of course I told them in a passive aggressive way, "Sure, the 28th is fine.  We'll just let the cancer have an extra 7 days to grow in my  body."    "It's only 7 days" spoken by the person on the other end of the line.....the person who does not have cancer.   Sounds like that should be on one of those ecards:  Sure we can reschedule for a later date. It's only 7 extra days that the cancer stays and grows in my body. It should be fine.  ~Said no cancer patient ever.  Simma Down Now!

In order to get through this emotional rollercoaster, I'm just going to have to buckle up and go with the flow a little more.  I think this is one of the ways cancer will change me.  I need to replace my simma down nows, with a smile and deep breath.


On a positive note, almost 10 people MADE an appt to get a mammogram!!!!  Not just thinking about it, but have an appt!!!  Like I stated on Facebook, please let me know if you schedule a mammogram. I want to pray for you and document this!!!!   Yay to being squeezed!  It saved my life and it could save yours.

Praise Report:
*That this cancer is going to make a difference in my life and so many more.  
*That me and my family are still able to smile, laugh, and love one another.  Sometimes it's just hard to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. So smiling, laughing, and loving are just bonus right now.
*Women my age are scheduling mammograms!  Yahoo, for saving your life!

Prayer Requests:
*Containment of cancer
*All of my boys
*How I can be used during this "journey"
*My sweet college friends who have lost loved ones over Christmas

Hugs to all,

Amy

Cancer Center, Containment, and the "C" Word

Andy and I spent ALL day, once again  (this is 3/7 days this week), at Baylor's Charles A. Sammons Cancer Center. These days are full of tests, information, test results, information, waiting, information...You get the picture.  This center is becoming all to familiar to us......sigh.  It will eventually become my home away from home......double sigh.  For those that have never been to a cancer center let me tell you a little about it.  (I too had never been and was thankful that I hadn't!)  It's very beautiful, super clean, people are overly friendly, bathrooms are gorgeous (just in case you wondered...... "You can't trust a facility with an ugly/nasty restroom"......Yes, those are words to live by. It's like an Amy Marcontell life mantra;), nice cafe, valet offered, library, coffee bar, fancy artwork, beautiful offices, state of the art equipment, and some of the most brilliant minds in this nation.That's the part I like love! 
Then there is the humbling, sad, and "slap you back into reality" part.  I look around and I see many sick, beautifully bald, barely able to move people.  People there with their spouses and/or families.  People there by themselves.  I wonder...what separates me from them.  Several rounds of chemo??? Different type(s) of cancer???  A more invasive cancer???   Then I think...not much separates us.  1) We are in a cancer center, so we have that common bond of cancer......sigh  2) 95% of us are carrying around that stupid big envelope (full of our xrays/ultrasound pics) and our expandable file folder full of reports, ins docs, receipts, etc (which mine is super cute by the way)  If you are having a bad day or think you are having a bad day, I invite you to come along to my next Dr.'s appt.  It's such a humbling experience that puts life's little hiccups in much perspective!
We walked into Dr. Sally Knox's (my surgical oncologist) office.  However, this time I felt like a pro...this was my 3rd time and I wasn't near as anxious as I had been before. As we waited to see the Dr., I got angry for the 2nd time since I was told. (The 1st time is entirely saved for another post.) I looked around the office.  Each and every seat was taken.  These women were in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, and 70's. All of different races...most spoke English, some did not.  I don't care what research says, I was doing my own research, and my research came to this conclusion: Breast cancer doesn't care how old you are or what color your skin is, nor does it care if you speak English!  It doesn't discriminate.  This made me angry......however, it slowly turned to sadness because I wondered if they were in remission, or if they were about to be told they had cancer, or maybe if they were at the final stage of their life......It's truly almost to much to think about.

Finally got back to see Dr. Knox and asked if we could record the visit.  I have learned that so much information and medical terminology is thrown at you during visits so recording is very important. Also important, to have another set of ears with me at all times.  I tend to tune out all the rest of the information after something "bad" has come out of the Dr's mouth.

Here is the downlow on my cancer:  I have High Grade Ductal Carcinoma in Situ with Several Foci Suspicious for Microinvastion. (STOP GOOGLING IT!! That's the 1st rule. Don't break it or I will stop putting my medical terms on the blog;)   I had only researched the ductal carcinoma in situ part, so the rest sent me into a tailspin.  (Thus the reason to record dr visits.....)  To make a long story short the cancer might have broken out of the duct, BUT we won't know for sure until I meet with the medical oncologist and path results are back from the surgery. (about 2 weeks after the surgery)  Which brought up the "c" word...not cancer, I can handle that, the other "c" word.  Chemotherapy......insert tears here.......There is a possibility I might have to have chemo. However, I don't want to worry or talk about that AND I'm claiming it's contained!

My surgery is scheduled for Jan. 21st.  I've decide on a double mastectomy with reconstruction...big reconstruction;) Bahahaha!!!   Hey, I'm going to get something good out of this right? 

Worst part of the day was when we were leaving and taking care of a few insurance papers, you could hear a lady crying in one of the rooms.  Breaks.My.Heart.  I've been thinking of her all day long.  Wondering what she was told. Wondering how she is doing tonight. Wondering if she believes in the Ultimate Physician.  I can go without hearing that E.V.E.R again...

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young  Jan. 9th (Words from the book are italicized, my words are not.)

I am with you and for you. Thank you sweet Savior.  I know you are, you have shown me over and over the past 7 days.

My sovereignty is in the timing of events.  You have orchestrated each and every event, timed perfectly!  Glory, Glory, Glory!

Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence. Cancer patients/survivors call the cancer road their "journey."   I'm trying really hard to understand the slow down part, but all I want to do is speed this "journey" up. Let's just get to the point that I'm healed!  Forgive me Lord.  I've felt your presence more than I have ever felt in my life.  It is so comforting...

Prayer Requests:
That the cancer is contained.
My sweet Grayson...
The lady who was crying when we left. 

Hugs to all,
Amy

Nothing is Private Anymore

I can't tell you how many times during the past 6 months I've heard, "Amy, you didn't really just put that on Facebook?  Amy, did you really need to post that?  Amy, I found out through Facebook.  Amy, don't you dare post that pic."  Of course, I returned with my crooked smile response, "Sorry..."   Well, I guess it's true, I post way too much about my life, my boy's lives, and Andy's life on F/B.   As if that clearly is not enough, I'm starting this blog.   Poor Andy, nothing is private anymore...
I'm saved by grace through faith! My life consists of a 9 month old, 7 1/2 yr old, 1/2 time job, and a husband who is the calm in my storm. Don't forget to include I'm a soccer mom, room parent, church goin', homegroup lovin', Dallas Maverick's watching, clean freak, and organizational nut. Okay, I didn't add that I'm trying to love running:/  I'm a small town Oklahoman, currently a transplanted Texan, girl that likes  loves to listen to Def Leppard. 
Did I forget to include that I'm 37 and I have breast cancer?  sigh...

This blog is set up to keep family and friends updated on my cancer journey.  I can't promise each post will be funny, or happy. However, each post will be an honest record of my (our) life. This way when I'm done on this journey I will have a documented account of this event in my life.   I hope it glorifies God, gives comfort to those going or about to go on the cancer journey, and educate women my age on how to detect, treat, and heal from breast cancer.
Hugs to all, 
Amy