Pink Is Not The New Orange...Or Is it?

October should be filled with  pumpkins, scarecrows, black cats, harvest moons, hay rides, orange and black...but it's not completely.  Pink ribbons are taking over.  I'm confused by this.  It's a seasonal decorator's paradise. Pink ribbons do NOT match the fall wreath, scarecrows, and the hay outside on my porch, nor does it match my pumpkin décor on my fireplace. (I'm thinking April would have been a great month for BA.  Pink ribbons would go so nicely with spring colors.)

 

Look at those pics!  They DON'T go together!   I was sent in a decorating frenzy.  People would expect me to acknowledge "the" ribbon, but I just really want to put all my fall décor out and not really think about the color pink. Why??? Because the color pink, that pink ribbon, those Susan G. Komen commercials, the pink yogurt tops, high school pink out shirts, the NFL pink shoes, darn near send me to my knees each time I see them.  I was looking at a can of pink ribbon'd biscuits at Walmart on Sunday and started crying.  I LIVE the color pink! It is my life day in and day out, not just in October!

I'm frustrated that pink has invaded my fun filled, football, harvest smelling candle burning, and trick or treatin' October.   ~Or maybe I will "go all counselor on ya" and boldly admit that maybe I'm just frustrated that pink has invaded my life....  

This doesn't mean that I don't love or appreciate all the pink in this month.  It doesn't mean that I'm not grateful for all the $$$ that is donated to breast cancer research.  Doesn't mean that I won't enjoy or I don't look forward to all the survivor luncheons I get to attend. Doesn't mean that I don't love talking about breast cancer to my friends.  Sure doesn't mean I'm going to stop telling my story!

I'm thankful that the rest of the non breast cancer people, in the US, get a glimpse of how serious this disease is and how early detection can save lives. However, for me at this very weak moment, I just want to enjoy pumpkins, scarecrows, hay rides, black cats, costumes, and fall festivals again...


Hugs, (and many scarecrows wearing pink ribbons;)
Amy

Don't Waste Your Story

My story is of Godly provision...How He knew my future, prepared me for my future, and how I was tested because of my future. My story is that of sadness, brokenness, and complete devastation. My story is also that of love, faith, hope, God's truth and promises. My story will not be wasted!!! I learned through my story that He will never leave me or forsake me and will hold true to His promises.

Through out this cancer experience God spoke to me through:
* Al (my angel)
*The healing message on the radio (I can't wait to tell you about that!)
*Hearing God actually speak in the depths of my soul (This experience is saved for another post and oh will it bring you to your knees!)
* The financial provision of unexpected insurance policies that covered every penny of every cost.
*The Holy Spirit whispering/singing ever so gently 2 hymns, in my mind, over and over that it resonated in my soul....1) Bless the Lord, oh my soul   ~Psalm 103:1  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, WHO HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy. 2) On Christ  solid the rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.
*Jesus Calling

Jesus Calling
Dec. 17th 1st mammo:  Como to me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in me you are complete, depend on me with childlike trust, I am He from whom all blessings flow!
Dec. 19th 2nd mammo:  Seek my face continually through out this day.
Dec. 28th Biopsy:  I am your refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore, you don't need to be afraid of ANYTHING.!
Jan. 2nd Cancer diagnosis:  Relax in my healing presence.  Thus I equip you to face whatever the day brings.
Jan. 6th the day sadness set in:  I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.
Jan/ 9th telling the dr. that a double mastectomy is my decision:  I am with you and for you.  When you decide on a course of action that is in line with my will nothing in heaven or Earth can stop you.
Jan. 11th begging God for containment/no chemo/complete healing:  Let go and recognize that I'm God.

We all have a story. Mine is just about breast cancer.

Don't waste your story. Use it as a witness to bring others to Christ.  Don't let Satan spin your story into fear and/or desperation.  Satan is here all around you to destroy and conquer you, your children, your marriage, your finances, and your health.  He uses things such as fear, lies, manipulation, confusion, hate, and even cancer.  I REFUSE to allow Satan to use my cancer for his evil plan.

In my human twisted way of thinking, I feel as if Satan went to God and said "Let me have her. Let me try.  I can show you that she will crumble and those around her will crumble too." God laughed, " She's mine, back off. However, you go ahead and try.  You will see, that she's MINE!"
You're right Savior.  I'm yours!  I'm yours!

This is my story.  I'm a sinful person by nature.  I'm a mess.  A HOT mess!!  I had cancer.  I've never questioned it.  I've never gotten mad about it.  (Which is totally not my personality!)  Yes, I cried.  Yes, I was hurt, but this was meant to be my story.  My story to use for God's good.  My story to use to motivate women to take care of themselves because Satan is out to destroy them!  My story to proclaim that God is still in the miracle working business!  My story to shout from the rooftops that God's promises are true!  My story to comfort those that are suffering.  My story to share with my kids that our Savior spared their mother from death.  My story to reflect back over when fear or worry invades in my family's heart.  My story to help harvest souls in these end times!

I encourage you to examine your life and find out what your story is....because we all have a story!

Hugs,
Amy

This Post is Rated M: For Mature Audiences Only

I have started, slowly but surely, to come out of hiding.  Coming out of hiding is what my dear friend Cathy J.  calls it.  There are many reasons why I've been in hiding. Healing hurts, going to the dr. 2-3 times a week is exhausting, and lets face it I have a family.  Two boys that do not understand that Momma is was sick. ~Thank you Lord for being able to use the past tense verb.~ A 2nd grader that still has to look presentable at school, has to have his homework completed, has soccer 3 times a week, etc  and another one that is a walking, getting into EVERYTHING, wants to eat all the time machine. Then I've been dealing will all the hormonal changes that the "trauma" of the surgery has caused my body.   See, this is one of the reasons why I wrote that this post was rated M. ***Note to all the men:  I do indeed hear all the "ughs and "ews" that you are now grumbling associated with the reading of the word "hormonal".  Just think, at least you are reading it and not living it like poor Andy and the rest of my house!  My body responds to changes/trauma, just like yours does, in many different ways. I've experienced horrible blisters all over the top of my lips. It had gotten to the point that I don't know what was worse, the pain from my chest or the pain from my lip.  I did find one thing humorous about the blisters though....When I walked in to the plastic surgeon's office it just looked as if I had a lip procedure done. My top lip was so swollen. So I just decided  I'm not hiding from embarrassment, I walked in standing tall because I fit in! All of us swollen lipped women sitting around reading a magazine waiting for our name to be called in the "waiting lounge." I was so hoping, just once, somebody would ask me who "did" my lips;)


Seeing that I've come back to civilization, I know everybody looks at me or sees pictures of me on Facebook and wonders the answer to the big  question. The UNSPOKEN question, but most  all of you have thought  about me....WHY IS AMY'S CHEST NOT FLAT?  I THOUGHT SHE HAD THOSE THINGS CUT OFF?  (You know you have thought those questions. Don't try to deny it.  I'm sure you Googled the questions, and know more about my response than I do;)  Well here is the answer....

Yes, I had all the breast tissue, fat, and other parts removed leaving only the muscle and skin. For me, this was the safest and suggested procedure so my cancer would NOT come back. ~that was the utmost important thing to me...not what I looked like, not what I felt like.  All pride aside, this procedure was about saving my life and being on this Earth as long as possible to raise my babies.~ Also, seeing that I wanted to go bigger than I previously was (Stop judging me...something good has to come from this, right?) and that there is no tissue or fat left after a mastectomy and  implants have to placed behind the muscle. Tissue expanders had to be used. ~sigh~  During the double mastectomy, my surgical oncologist removed all the tissue and fat.Then my plastic surgeon took over and used cadaver skin to create a pocket/sling for the implants. Andy and I like to joke about the cadaver skin.  Seriously, somebody's skin helped make my foobs! I'm grateful but you have to admit, that it is just plain weird. Therefore, I'm not quite ready to meet the donor family anytime soon;)  So back to the tissue expander ordeal...When the PS (plastic surgeon) put in my tissue expanders he filled them ~slightly~ with a little saline. This way I wouldn't be flat as a pancake and it kept me from having an emotional breakdown when I woke up from surgery. ~sorta~  Let's just say, for about 2 weeks I looked like a 12yr old girl that needed a training bra.

Each week, for well over a month,  I returned to the plastic surgeon to get a "fill."  During the fill, the PS would fill each side with 90 cc of saline. (Using a needle with a very large syringe)

Lucky me, right????  Not only was I told I had cancer, got to go through all the horrific scans, didn't know if I was going to live or die, deciding to go through with the double mastectomy, recovering from the double...You think that's enough, but then I had to deal with tissue expanders and fills. Well, the fills were not painful at all. It was the aftermath, that was very uncomfortable.  The last several fills created muscle spasms that were very uncomfortable, however after a few days I was a lot better.  Once I got to the size I wanted, I stop having fills.  Then there was a 6 week waiting period (to make sure the skin and muscle was completely stretched out) before I get the tissue expanders out and the implants in!

So that should answer the unspoken question of why my chest is not flat. At this point, you would never know I had a double mastectomy, unless you hugged me.  Tissue expanders are extremely hard.  (like a filled water balloon) So needless to say, I'm excited about getting the tissue expanders out and the implants in.  Modern day medicine and plastic surgery is amazing!  Plastic surgery has given me the option of normalcy...Who am I kiddin????  I'm going to be BETTER than normal! Well at least we know I won't be getting a boob job during my midlife crisis....Ha!   DONE!   I guess I will just buy me that little red corvette;)

Hugs to all,
Amy  

It's True What People Say...You Can Never Have Enough Insurance!

Just another reason why and how I know God had his provision in my cancer. This is the beginning of many posts that will start with that same 1st sentence. There are many "things" that happened before, during, and after the cancer diagnosis that were just God's "doin".

For the first time in 15yrs of teaching, I signed up for the critical care insurance policy. (which covers cancer)  Now you might be thinking that is not a big deal, and those that have never heard the words, "The pathology reports are back and it is cancer.",  it is not a big deal.  However, I have heard those dreaded words so this was HUGE for us.   I will continue to explain, but I need to give you a little background....

Why in the world would I sign up for this so called "cancer" policy????  I haven't ever signed up for the cancer policy, why start now?  I'm young. I'm healthy.  I don't have a history of cancer in my family.  AND I sure don't plan on getting cancer anytime soon because cancer is for others, not for me!  Plus, I DON'T EVEN TAKE THE SCHOOL'S INSURANCE PLAN...I'm completely covered under Andy's insurance.  These were just some of the questions that were going through my mind. The big issue was that I was going to have to drive to Mansfield, on my day off, to another school (I had missed the sign up day at my school)  and sit and listen to an insurance agent give me the spill on different types of insurance plans while toting along my 5 month old. No thank you...that is too much of a hassle.   I was completely covered under Andy's insurance plan at his work, no need to pay extra for plans that are not needed.     So after days of this not settling well with me (thank you Holy Spirit), I got in my car, drove to Mansfield, walked into a different school's library to sit and wait on an available insurance representative.  To my disbelief, I walked out of the library that day with a critical care insurance policy (that covers cancer) and signed off to keep my disability insurance. (Which I totally walked in there with the intentions of dropping my disability, because my thought was "Why do I need disability?" Andy is the "bread winner" of the family.  I don't plan on getting hurt or having ANY more babies!)  During the 30min. drive home, I couldn't help but to think what had I just done. That insurance rep was awesome. He hook lined and sinkered me right into policies I thought I really didn't need. I was so upset over this I called my sister and asked all my friends if they signed up for the critical care policy.  Most answered, no.   So my full intention was to call the very next day and get those policies dropped.  Between my cancer policy and disability that would be a whole $40 back a month on my paycheck...That's a pedicure, folks!  (Important things right) Anyways, to make a long story short I got busy with the baby, work, soccer practice, etc and totally forgot to cancel the policies that I had planned to cancel just days before.

Life got busy, as always, and months past. Anniversary, soccer games, state fair, deerlease, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then cancer!  After receiving the diagnosis, you panic not only for your health but for your finances. (Cancer is expensive!) Is this going to drain every last penny we have?   Are we going to lose our new home that was just built because I can't work and help pay the new mortgage? Unfortunately, these are questions that one ponders when you are married with children and have a mortgage payment.  Then it hit me at 3am in the morning...I took out at a critical care policy in Aug. WAY before my cancer diagnosis.  I ran upstairs looking for the insurance file. (Which by the way was organized so neatly...smile.  Those that know me are shaking their heads. lol) I started reading through it like crazy and found that cancer was covered! CANCER WAS COVERED!  I cried and cried. Thank you Jesus!

If you are still not convinced that this was God's provision and maybe just luck.  Let me tell you,  "luck, science, and odds" do not care about me, my husband, and my children's financial well being.  Luck does not care about whether are not we can keep our home, put food on the table, or drain every last penny in our savings account.  However, my God cares about my family and our needs.  Even though I understand that living in a "certain" house in a "certain" neighborhood, driving a new car, taking vacations, and my children wearing brand named clothing is all of this Earth. Trust me those things are not on my extended list of prayer concerns. However, I do know that having a home, being able to eat, getting to and from work, being able to pay for childcare while working and paying for my health costs are needs and HE took care of all of them!  For example:  My cancer policy covers, to the penny I might add,  what we will be out from our deductible and out of pocket expenses regarding my medical insurance.  So, I'm thankful to add that my little $100k, thus far, medical procedure(s) hasn't cost us a small fortune.  Disability will be replacing "most" of my paycheck in the coming months when I won't be paid because I've used all of my accumulated days off. Tshirt sells (Fighting for Amy shirts that my friend Heather Reed started (Thank you sweet friend:) have paid for some of the babysitting costs for Gage. (I have had to have a full time paid babysitter for Gage since Jan 28th.) So the only really big expense we have had is the elected genetic testing that insurance, partially, did not cover.  However, that was well worth it!

I know finances are an extremely private topic, but I wanted to share with everybody how God's provision (even in the financial department) was set up months before the big C was even a concern.

God did not strike me down with disease (as some might think...smh). He knew this was my future and this cancer was going to be used for His glory, therefore he took care of all the little things HE knew that we didn't have time to focus on.


Hugs to all,
Amy

By HIS Stripes...

I AM HEALED!  Stage 0, 0/2 lymph nodes (cancer not found in lymph nodes), both "girls" gone (the new ones are looking better than the old ones. Woot! Woot!) , final pathology report was great, which means...Cancer is G.O.N.E!  No chemo, no radiation, no hormone therapy required.  Cancer was completely contained!  When the surgical oncologist told us both Andy and I cried.  Honestly, I wept and wept and wept while saying "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus! THANK YOU JESUS!. Unstoppable tears of JOY came from my tired eyes and rolled down my cheeks...finally. Finally, tears of happiness! 

This is the miracle we have all prayed for. Another great example of God's promises being true.  I've told my family and friends. I've told Facebook.  I've told complete strangers at Walmart while waiting to be checked out.  I've told it to anybody that would listen!  My God answered OUR prayers. He showed great mercy upon me and delivered me from cancer.  He is true to His word and I will forever thank and praise him! So why haven't I shouted this great news to the Blogger world????  For days I've wondered the same thing. 
Many friends and family have asked me over and over why I haven't written a post lately. My responses to all the questions of why I haven't have been all over the place.  I'm still on medication.  I'm just too tired.  I'm enjoying my mom being here for 2 weeks.  I'll write when I am moved to write. These are all true excuses. Notice that I used the words "true excuses."

However, the main reason is because it's just too mentally painful. Just logging on this blog and seeing the posts and the pink background takes me back to the "dark time."  This blog was set up to be my therapy and to help other women that were in my position. Even though I had a good attitude during the time I had cancer, didn't mean that I wasn't sad or that I didn't cry.  I cried A LOT.  Some days my only goal was to get through the day without crying.  In addition to mental pain, the blog takes me back to a month of my life that I've subconsciously tried to block out. The month of January was so hard and tiring that it seems like a lifetime ago.  My memory is fading very quickly about January (that or I'm shutting it out on purpose...)

So now you know and hopefully understand the reason why I needed a blogging break. Maybe after this post it will get easier to log on.  I have SO much to share, I just need the strength to log on and type.

Praise Report:

*Cancer was contained...no treatment necessary   Glory to God in the Highest!

Prayer Requests

*Strength to share my testimony. It's so hard to go back to January, the month that I've mentally blocked out.  I don't want to block this month out of my memory.  I want the pain, the hurt, and the tears to be used for His glory and good.

You have answered my prayers. You have healed me of cancer.  You never left me or forsaken me. You are true to your promise. Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!  However, I'm selfish and I don't even want to think about that dark time.Forgive me sweet Savior.  It is that time that I heard you, felt you, and saw you more than ever in my life.  Please bring forth each and every memory...good, bad, and ugly.  May I never forget how you comforted me when I had cried out to you or how your spirit softly whispered verses and hymns in my mind when I was scared.  Allow me to let go of the hurt that cancer brought to me.  Allow me to look at the positive each day and not fall into the self pity trap when I am mentally down.  There are so many great things that have come of this awful cancer...Use me to be the vessel to show others of your  Word, Promises, and Light. 

Hugs to all,

Amy

D Day

Double Mastectomy Day (January 28th)....That's the name of the new Marcontell recognized holiday in our household!  It's the day that I became cancer free! It's the day that life changed....

That morning was actually a very easy morning. I had complete peace.  The day started off with the car ride to Baylor with my sister and hubs.  Let me tell you something about Liz and Andy....together they are a complete mess!  So the entire way, I got to listen to both of them try to crack the "breast" I mean best breast jokes  (see how you can easily slip that in there....ha!) So we did a lot of laughing.   I checked into radiology to get my sentinel node shot. Passing out the cookies to the women that worked the front desk was an absolute a joy.  I told them today was the day I become cancer free.  You know what they did???  They started dancing and shouting, "Woot! Woot! Cancer Free!"  So what did I do, I joined them.  2 hrs before I lose my breasts and I'm singing and dancing....I would have it no other way!!! So, I had read where women have compared the pain of this shot to childbirth because of where it has to given and the burning sensation of the actual injection.  Well, apparently they had not given birth to Grayson Marcontell.  The shot wasn't "fun", but compared to childbirth, please....

Then we were off to plastics to get "marked."  As soon as I was marked, we went straight to Baylor Uptown.  I'll refrain from the details of the panic driving that my husband was doing because of rush hour traffic. Got checked in, changed, and started passing out the cookies.  Looking back on that morning, there are several things that I learned. So here they are...David Letterman Top Ten Style.

Top 10 Things Learned From D-Day 

. 

10) There went the $50 pedicure I got before surgery.





9) Nurses are like teachers. Word spreads fast when there are yummy cookies to be eaten. I loved the random nurses just popping in and saying, "I heard you have cookies."  That alone made me happy! Plus, the nurses were so nice, caring, gentle, and loving.  They are overworked and underpaid.

8) The Dedman College framed picture I got to stare at while waiting to go back to surgery was not comforting at all.

7) Shear panic set in when I was cleaning my chest with the special before surgery cleaning cloth and all the blue ink was on the cloth instead of my body. (Remember, the plastic surgeon had to "mark" me before surgery.)  I thought to myself...Well, if I wind up lopsided we will know why.

6) Having great doctors (Dr. Sally Knox and Dr. Richard Ha) make you feel at ease in this tough, tough situation. I'm indebted to them for taking such great care of me!

5) The pain of a double mastectomy is excruciating. I couldn't even turn my head or breathe w/o being in pain.

4) Being sick several hours after a double mastectomy causes even more excruciating pain.

3) Drain tubes are the most uncomfortable things E.V.E.R. ~counting the days down I can get these evil doers out of me!

2) Before wheeling me back, I looked at Andy with tears in my eyes and told him, "I love you so much.  If anything happens to me please take care of my boys."  Yes, very dramatic I know.  This could have been a scene straight out of a movie.

1) I love what Dr. Knox's nurse said as she walked out of the room, "Cancer Free" "Praise the Lord!"

Praise Reports:

*I'm healing so fast.  Each day is getting better and better.
*The boys are adjusting better than what I thought.
*At least 3 more friends have gotten their mammograms.
*Call backs and a biopsy have come back "all clear" on several friend's mammograms!

Prayer Requests:

*I continue to heal.

*Cancer was completely contained in the duct. (I'm suppose to find out Tuesday.)

*I cry each and every time Andy changes my bandages.  Please pray that I can let go of this sadness I feel when I see myself.



Thank you to all that have supported me through D-Day. I honestly felt and still feel that I'm not alone in this.  To my sweet husband....How did I get so lucky?  We never thought that the vow "in sickness and in health" would really apply to us did we?  Boy, were we wrong.  I pray abundant blessings over you each and every day.  You are the hands and feet of Jesus. 

Hugs to all,

Amy

Saying Goodbye Is Just Plain Weird

Saying goodbye to something you will never see again is completely normal, unless it is your "chest" and then that's just plain weird.  There will be no long drawn out goodbyes....No waving.... No final words.  I've mourned the "loss"  and I'm done with it!  Time to stop thinking of what to mourn and start praising and rejoicing for what I'm gaining.  What am I gaining????  I'm gaining my body back!  My cancer free (Claiming in the name of Jesus) body! Time to start the process of getting this behind me and moving forward!  Time to add this to my testimony....my testimony that I will tell to lead others to Christ and to promote early detection of breast cancer! 

So I'm choosing Christ (faith) over Satan (fear)!  

Trusting in my Ultimate Healer (healer of all of me physical, emotional, and spiritual)


So ADIOS cancer!  You are not welcome here!

~Updates regarding my surgery will come from my family until I can move my fingers enough to type.  I'm also refraining from the computer until all drugs are out of my system.  Who knows what I would write while still being medicated!  ha


Btw, look what the hospital and radiology staff is going to get from me tomorrow morning!  Aren't those the cutest bikini top and breast cancer ribbon cookies E.V.E.R.   Classic Goodness Bakery is unbelievable!  Thank you Stacy!!!!   www.classicgoodnessbakery.com

Hugs to all,
Amy

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

Who knows if I will even need the mirror to be blocked from my eyes???  However, presently in this weak moment, I choose to protect my eyes/heart from shock and sadness.  Hopefully, strength and peace will replace the shock and sadness.....quickly.   I pray that I will be able to look at myself, with joy,  and see the battle wounds where Jesus fought and overcame.

Unexpected Blessings

Oh my stars!!!!  Our internet was "out" for nearly 4 days.  As my sister said, "I bet you were getting the shakes."...."Yes Liz, I was starting to go into technology withdrawal."  However, it was nice to put the computer down and just spend time with my boys. Quality time is what I needed with my family.  Isn't it funny how God knows exactly what you need and also knows how to make sure that it happens. Love it! Unexpected blessing!

Within the past week I've been prayed for, prayed over, and prayed about!  My school and the ESL department have prayed for me.  All this prayer in a place where prayer is discouraged and  "not allowed."  Well I beg to differ..I saw/heard adults crying out to our Savior. I saw adults holding hands and holding each other up.  I saw/heard believers and nonbelievers talking to our Savior (out loud in front of everybody...which is hard to do) thanking our Savior, placing hope/faith in our Savior, and just telling our Savior he is loved.  I felt the Lord and Holy Spirit during that prayer. For this alone, my cancer is worth it!  Thank you sweet Savior, thank you!  Unexpected Blessing! 

I went to my sister in law's homegroup and they too prayed over me.  Again, I felt the power of the Almighty.  The prayer at that meeting was so powerful that I can't even type about it without crying. (Thank you Pam. I pray I have that gift someday!)  Immediately following, Andy and I met with our awesome elders of the church and they prayed over us. (and again I felt my Savior there with me) I finally got to use my joke that I had been saving for the most awkward yet most appropriate time,  "Okay, if any of you (all men in the room) lay hands on my cancer, you going to get hit!"  Bahahahaha   Let's face it....talking so much about "the girls" is just plain awkward/weird.  I have found even though breast cancer is not funny, it's okay to have a little fun with it.    Unexpected Blessing!  

This week has been filled with many unexpected blessings. I'm thinking in my life, day after day, there have been many unexpected blessings that have gone unnoticed.  Cancer makes me see life differently. I pray I ALWAYS see life differently.  I pray I will ALWAYS notice the unexpected blessings in my life.  Plus,  I pray that you take notice of yours.  For that alone, this journey is worth it!

Praise Report: 
*Coworker found out her cancer is contained! Did you hear that?..... CONTAINED  holla!
*Coworker found out her mammogram was all good! (after a little scare)  Woot! Woot!

Prayer Requests:
 *My sweet brave friends who have scheduled their mammograms (You all are so brave and I'm so proud of you!).  Pray that they get the  "all clear" phone call. 
*My cancer is contained.  ~meaning in the duct only, hasn't spread to healthy tissue outside the duct or any lymph node(s)
*Complete healing F.O.R.E.V.E.R
*Please pray that I don't "waste" this cancer.  That God uses me and this situation to bring others to Him.

Hugs to all,
Amy

Angels, Fit Throwing, and Fit Throwing Angels

Angels and fit throwing....then add a fit throwing angel in that mix and I've probably already lost or confused many of you. (I understand....I stay confused!)   When it comes to angels, I'm no expert.  I've listened to sermons regarding angels and read scripture regarding angels but my knowledge base on angels is pretty novice.  However, you want to talk fit throwing...I'm your woman!   Many years of teaching primary grades and having my own little fit thrower launches me right up to expert status.   Now, toss in a fit throwing angel.....well, you see later what I'm talking about later.

All of us loosely throw around the word angel.  "God's angels are all around us."  "She sings like an angel."  "I pray I have nothing but little angels in my class this year." (I threw that in for all my teacher friends.  Yes, teachers not only pray for angels but BEG the good Lord above for those angels to show up on their class list;) With regards to the heavenly angels, I've heard many ask this question: Can angels take on a human like form to complete a task or send a message????  This one sentence is not intended to start a theological war nor is it for you to literally answer the question under my comment section.  (Do you like how I kindly slipped that in there?  lol)  That sentence is just to get you thinking and be a little open minded when you continue reading the rest of this paragraph. (Or maybe I added that last sentence to make you feel SUPER guilty for any thoughts going through your head right now that I've fallen off the deep end or that I'm a complete weirdo).  Indulge me for a minute and listen to my story about Al.   I had to get my car inspected  on Friday.  I chose to sit outside in the sunshine instead of sitting inside. I can't stand the smell of old coffee, smoldering cigs, and tires.  Thus the reason for sitting outside.  The wait was about an hour long.  My cell phone was dead, so I looked in my purse and decided to read the day's devotion of Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (Those that have Jesus Calling you need to read January 11th. Once again, I was amazed how God can speak through 2 tiny paragraphs!)  While reading, the sweetest old man wearing a USMC trucker hat sits down next to me. I continue to read.  He turns to me and says, "Little lady, you're gonna find your answers in that book you know."  I said, "Oh, this isn't the Bible."  Al smiled and said, "I know. That is Jesus Calling."  Okay, right then and there he grabbed my attention.  Most late 70yr old men, do not have the book Jesus Calling.  Al, while looking at the traffic going by, says to me, "You know my wife beat breast cancer many, many, many years before she died."  Then he patted my knee and gave me such the most peaceful comforting smile imaginable and said,  "You are young and have a long life to live." I felt the tears welling up in my eyes because how did he know my personal battles, then I told him, "I just found out I had breast cancer."  He stood up pointed at me and looked me right in the eyes and said, "Our God is still in the miracle working business."  I told him, "I honestly believe that."  Then his car was ready. He took 2-3 steps and looked backed at me. We exchanged smiles and he left.   I can't explain how sweet, kind, uplifting, peaceful, comforting, and just plain happy this 3 minute exchange of dialogue and smiles felt.  I knew Al was an angel.  Now, he might not have (and might have) been a for real heaven sent angel, but he was my angel. It was what I needed for those 3 minutes of the day and I was more than thankful for him! Amazing isn't....

Shifting gears, I have to tell you about my sweet Grayson.  Grayson loves like no other child. He warms my heart with just a hug and simple smile.  He is a "momma"s boy!"  (Yes, pray that I'm not a crazy mother in law some day.  I have the potential, as my sister says.  lol )  He is my "lover not a fighter" kid. The non aggressive boy who couldn't throw a punch if he tried.  He's the one on the soccer field that is blowing me kisses, winking at me when he runs by, and grins from ear to ear when he kicks the ball and yells, "Was that good Momma?"   Of course, I tell him yes but the crazy, yelling, sports lovin' athlete in me can't wait until he gets mad and mows somebody over on the field. Fingers crossed that it might happen some day....lol  Anyhoo, we have learned to accept this about Grayson and actually it's one of my most favorite traits about him.  However, he also has the panic, over-the-top button that was pushed quite frequently as a toddler When the button was pushed, the fit throwing would begin.  He was the biggest fit thrower E.V.E.R.  (Why do you think it took 7yrs to have another baby?)  Screaming, crying, throwing, slamming, arching his back, kicking the floor....You get the picture.  I was the only one that could calm him down. (Thank you MISD for all the training in behavior management.)  We have been breathing easy for years, due to the fact Grayson has matured and all that crazy nonsense had subsided.  Well, we can now blame stupid cancer for the billionth time for messing with my family.  Grayson is starting to show some "anger" issues. Aka throwing, crying, screaming, and talking back.  He actually threw himself on the floor, kicked, screamed, and cried because he couldn't get a piece of construction paper to stand up perfectly on an art project he was working on....sigh   I hate cancer for messing with my Grayson.....double sigh.

Then there is my Gager. (Gage Jagger...but he also responds to Gagey, Bugger, and Bugger Boo...or my little bother (instead of brother) as Grayson sometimes calls him)  You see friends, he is my "easy " baby.   Darn near perfect! You place him in a crib...he falls right to sleep (since he was born)  He hardly ever cries.  He's the baby that every babysitter and parent dreams of.  His sweetness and ability to adapt is refreshing....but cancer is turning him into my little "fit throwing angel."  Even though he doesn't understand what is going on, he knows sadness. He sees me cry and others that come over and cry.  He knows that he has been with extended family and the babysitter more than usual. He now is ducking his head and high pitch screaming/crying.  This "cute" fit throwing, is no longer "cute." He's becoming "fit throwing angel." 

Having fit throwing and a fit throwing angel is enough to make me throw a fit.  I'm the one with cancer. I deserve to throw a H.U.G.E fit!!! Now my kids are falling apart....This is what cancer does...if you allow it!  It seeps into the most precious of blessings in your life...if you allow it!  It's time to take my fit throwing angels back from the grips of this cancer.  My angel Al reminded me that our God is in the miracle business and that answers are found in Jesus.  ~and I too agree~

My Face is shining upon you (Grayson and Gage), beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. ~Jesus Calling Jan. 15th

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds (Grayson and Gage) in Jesus Christ.  Philippians 4:7

Prayer Requests:
*Peace that surpasses all understanding for my sweet boys
*Cancer is contained
*Complete healing

Praise Report:
My life, on the otherhand, will have a bit of normalcy for the next 12 days. My surgery is not until the 28th, so I will carry on as normal until then.  Who knew stress at work, laundry piled up, and a messy house could be wanted and loved so much! 
I'm holding my Gager much, much more lately.  In less than 2 weeks, I won't be able to pick him up for awhile...sigh. Even though that breaks my heart, I'm rejoicing in the next 12 days of picking him up, dancing together, changing his diaper, and holding him as much as possible.

Hugs to all,
Amy

"Honey, Here's Your Cup of Cancer"

In my attempt to get out of bed this morning and face the day, I asked Andy if he wanted me to fix a pot of coffee.  You see, we love our new  "grown up phase" of drinking coffee on cold yucky winter mornings.  My Mother in Law, Susan, got us a "grown up" coffee maker and also orders us the most yummiest coffee called "Jamaican Me Crazy." (Yes, I'm spoiled and I love it!  "To be spoiled is to be loved".....another Amy Marcontell life mantra to live by...just like the dirty bathroom mantra noted in the previous post;) Back to the coffee, I love everything about the coffee maker and the coffee.  Something about drinking the coffee out of a mug and not slurping my usual Sonic large Diet Coke out of a straw makes me feel grown up and borderline fancy. Don't get me wrong I L.O.V.E my Sonic Diet Cokes. Those trips to Sonic for a coke is just "what I do."  I can thank my mom and Frederick girls Brandi, Amy, Shannon, Brooke, Dara, and Kay for that!  Don't get me started on Frederick, I can write an entirely different blog on growing up in Frederick.  I have more Frederick stories than Rose from Golden Girls has about St. Olaf. Sorry, I digress (I think I suffer from Blog ADD)  Back to the coffee.....so I made the pot of coffee looked at Andy and said, "Honey, here's your cup of cancer!"   S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y!   Did I just offer my husband a cup of cancer?!?!?  Yep, I sure did.

This, my friends, is how cancer can not only invade you physically but also mentally.  Cancer is this disgusting raging rapidly growing filth in the body, that I on my own I can't do one darn thing about.  Left alone without healing scripture, prayer, dr's and treatment this filth will eventually take over my body and take me from this Earth. However, it is also this raging screaming negative thought(s) pattern that over and over SO wants to invade my mind.  This is how it works: Wake up, "I have cancer. I don't want to get out of bed and face the day."  Look at my kids, "Will I leave them motherless?" Being around people,"Who cares about your petty problems, I have cancer"  Working on homework, "Grayson's a smart boy. He can do it on his own. I have cancer"  Trying to plan a bday party for my son, "Just book it and pay. I'm sure I will be too sore and in pain to even enjoy it."  Thinking about cooking dinner, "Why?  I'm not hungry nor do I have the energy, because I have cancer.Then when I go to bed the endless crying begins.   Left alone without healing scripture, prayer, and treatment this filth can AND will eventually take over my mind and spiritually kill me!

To me, Satan is like a cancer.  If allowed he can spread to mind, heart, and soul.  Left untreated he takes over like cancer.   I physically may have cancer, but I also suffered  suffer from the Satan cancer and battle it each and every day!  Through this journey not only am I praying to be physically healed but spiritually healed from  ALL cancer. So you see, we (you and me) are not that different. We all have some sort of cancer...I'm just on the fast track path of finding out what mine is...

These are my inner most thoughts.  Agree or not.... This is my therapy, my journey. I'm nowhere near perfect, and sure have NOT been perfect in my life. (That is probably the most understated sentence of this entire blog!)  I am a sin battling woman of faith that refuses to allow Satan to take over like a cancer.  I have enough of that cancer crap (Yep, I just said crap. Sorry mom:) in me.

So mentally the war is on.  No more offering cups of cancer in my house, only cups of  Jamaican Me Crazy! 

~Cause in my house, crazy is a lot better than cancer!

Hugs to all,
Amy

Simma Down Now!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a ticking time bomb...meaning I've yet to just explode from all of this. Maybe I won't, but I think my fuse is lit and well on it's way. I know it's going to be some silly random unimportant thing that sends me over the edge.  However, all I can do is picture  Cheri Oteri from Saturday Night Live telling me to "Simma Down Now." Which totally cracks me up. 

How has my life changed?  Well, in terms of work it's TELPAS planning time.  Now, that would send anybody into an anxiety pill popping stessball tizzy.  The thought of cancer and being out for weeks just add to the fun.  Today I found that cancer is just a big  inconvenienced pain in the rear.  I actually like doing this part of my job, but now I have to pawn it off to somebody else (Sorry K.G) who has her own job and doesn't get paid extra to pick up my slack.....sigh   Simma Down Now!

Then in the middle of a training I get a phone call from the dr's office.  My heart skips a beat each and every time they call.  They need to reschedule my surgery for a week later.  WHAT??? Are you kidding me???? I already wrote it in my calendar...IN PEN! Big no, no in my world, but I submitted myself to a pen today. `Lesson learned` So of course I told them in a passive aggressive way, "Sure, the 28th is fine.  We'll just let the cancer have an extra 7 days to grow in my  body."    "It's only 7 days" spoken by the person on the other end of the line.....the person who does not have cancer.   Sounds like that should be on one of those ecards:  Sure we can reschedule for a later date. It's only 7 extra days that the cancer stays and grows in my body. It should be fine.  ~Said no cancer patient ever.  Simma Down Now!

In order to get through this emotional rollercoaster, I'm just going to have to buckle up and go with the flow a little more.  I think this is one of the ways cancer will change me.  I need to replace my simma down nows, with a smile and deep breath.


On a positive note, almost 10 people MADE an appt to get a mammogram!!!!  Not just thinking about it, but have an appt!!!  Like I stated on Facebook, please let me know if you schedule a mammogram. I want to pray for you and document this!!!!   Yay to being squeezed!  It saved my life and it could save yours.

Praise Report:
*That this cancer is going to make a difference in my life and so many more.  
*That me and my family are still able to smile, laugh, and love one another.  Sometimes it's just hard to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. So smiling, laughing, and loving are just bonus right now.
*Women my age are scheduling mammograms!  Yahoo, for saving your life!

Prayer Requests:
*Containment of cancer
*All of my boys
*How I can be used during this "journey"
*My sweet college friends who have lost loved ones over Christmas

Hugs to all,

Amy

Cancer Center, Containment, and the "C" Word

Andy and I spent ALL day, once again  (this is 3/7 days this week), at Baylor's Charles A. Sammons Cancer Center. These days are full of tests, information, test results, information, waiting, information...You get the picture.  This center is becoming all to familiar to us......sigh.  It will eventually become my home away from home......double sigh.  For those that have never been to a cancer center let me tell you a little about it.  (I too had never been and was thankful that I hadn't!)  It's very beautiful, super clean, people are overly friendly, bathrooms are gorgeous (just in case you wondered...... "You can't trust a facility with an ugly/nasty restroom"......Yes, those are words to live by. It's like an Amy Marcontell life mantra;), nice cafe, valet offered, library, coffee bar, fancy artwork, beautiful offices, state of the art equipment, and some of the most brilliant minds in this nation.That's the part I like love! 
Then there is the humbling, sad, and "slap you back into reality" part.  I look around and I see many sick, beautifully bald, barely able to move people.  People there with their spouses and/or families.  People there by themselves.  I wonder...what separates me from them.  Several rounds of chemo??? Different type(s) of cancer???  A more invasive cancer???   Then I think...not much separates us.  1) We are in a cancer center, so we have that common bond of cancer......sigh  2) 95% of us are carrying around that stupid big envelope (full of our xrays/ultrasound pics) and our expandable file folder full of reports, ins docs, receipts, etc (which mine is super cute by the way)  If you are having a bad day or think you are having a bad day, I invite you to come along to my next Dr.'s appt.  It's such a humbling experience that puts life's little hiccups in much perspective!
We walked into Dr. Sally Knox's (my surgical oncologist) office.  However, this time I felt like a pro...this was my 3rd time and I wasn't near as anxious as I had been before. As we waited to see the Dr., I got angry for the 2nd time since I was told. (The 1st time is entirely saved for another post.) I looked around the office.  Each and every seat was taken.  These women were in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, and 70's. All of different races...most spoke English, some did not.  I don't care what research says, I was doing my own research, and my research came to this conclusion: Breast cancer doesn't care how old you are or what color your skin is, nor does it care if you speak English!  It doesn't discriminate.  This made me angry......however, it slowly turned to sadness because I wondered if they were in remission, or if they were about to be told they had cancer, or maybe if they were at the final stage of their life......It's truly almost to much to think about.

Finally got back to see Dr. Knox and asked if we could record the visit.  I have learned that so much information and medical terminology is thrown at you during visits so recording is very important. Also important, to have another set of ears with me at all times.  I tend to tune out all the rest of the information after something "bad" has come out of the Dr's mouth.

Here is the downlow on my cancer:  I have High Grade Ductal Carcinoma in Situ with Several Foci Suspicious for Microinvastion. (STOP GOOGLING IT!! That's the 1st rule. Don't break it or I will stop putting my medical terms on the blog;)   I had only researched the ductal carcinoma in situ part, so the rest sent me into a tailspin.  (Thus the reason to record dr visits.....)  To make a long story short the cancer might have broken out of the duct, BUT we won't know for sure until I meet with the medical oncologist and path results are back from the surgery. (about 2 weeks after the surgery)  Which brought up the "c" word...not cancer, I can handle that, the other "c" word.  Chemotherapy......insert tears here.......There is a possibility I might have to have chemo. However, I don't want to worry or talk about that AND I'm claiming it's contained!

My surgery is scheduled for Jan. 21st.  I've decide on a double mastectomy with reconstruction...big reconstruction;) Bahahaha!!!   Hey, I'm going to get something good out of this right? 

Worst part of the day was when we were leaving and taking care of a few insurance papers, you could hear a lady crying in one of the rooms.  Breaks.My.Heart.  I've been thinking of her all day long.  Wondering what she was told. Wondering how she is doing tonight. Wondering if she believes in the Ultimate Physician.  I can go without hearing that E.V.E.R again...

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young  Jan. 9th (Words from the book are italicized, my words are not.)

I am with you and for you. Thank you sweet Savior.  I know you are, you have shown me over and over the past 7 days.

My sovereignty is in the timing of events.  You have orchestrated each and every event, timed perfectly!  Glory, Glory, Glory!

Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence. Cancer patients/survivors call the cancer road their "journey."   I'm trying really hard to understand the slow down part, but all I want to do is speed this "journey" up. Let's just get to the point that I'm healed!  Forgive me Lord.  I've felt your presence more than I have ever felt in my life.  It is so comforting...

Prayer Requests:
That the cancer is contained.
My sweet Grayson...
The lady who was crying when we left. 

Hugs to all,
Amy

Nothing is Private Anymore

I can't tell you how many times during the past 6 months I've heard, "Amy, you didn't really just put that on Facebook?  Amy, did you really need to post that?  Amy, I found out through Facebook.  Amy, don't you dare post that pic."  Of course, I returned with my crooked smile response, "Sorry..."   Well, I guess it's true, I post way too much about my life, my boy's lives, and Andy's life on F/B.   As if that clearly is not enough, I'm starting this blog.   Poor Andy, nothing is private anymore...
I'm saved by grace through faith! My life consists of a 9 month old, 7 1/2 yr old, 1/2 time job, and a husband who is the calm in my storm. Don't forget to include I'm a soccer mom, room parent, church goin', homegroup lovin', Dallas Maverick's watching, clean freak, and organizational nut. Okay, I didn't add that I'm trying to love running:/  I'm a small town Oklahoman, currently a transplanted Texan, girl that likes  loves to listen to Def Leppard. 
Did I forget to include that I'm 37 and I have breast cancer?  sigh...

This blog is set up to keep family and friends updated on my cancer journey.  I can't promise each post will be funny, or happy. However, each post will be an honest record of my (our) life. This way when I'm done on this journey I will have a documented account of this event in my life.   I hope it glorifies God, gives comfort to those going or about to go on the cancer journey, and educate women my age on how to detect, treat, and heal from breast cancer.
Hugs to all, 
Amy